MALE GRIEF AND THE GENDER GAP
by Tom Easthope

It has been said that men and women come from different planets. I believe when it comes to loss, we all come from the same place. I call it the land of cherished memories, unfulfilled dreams, and broken hearts. Having said that, I think men and women, although from the same place, tend to travel different paths.

Some experts suggest that the difference between masculine and feminine grieving techniques may be affected by physiological factors. As an example, when it comes to the production of tears, it has been noted that diminishing levels of specific hormones in males has an effect on the volume of tears shed by men compared to the greater volume shed by women.

Research also indicates that the differences in the physical brain structure of men and women may have an effect on our grieving patterns. This being the case, it may explain why women seem more articulate in the expression of their feelings.

There are also psychological factors involved as well. We know that in North America, emotional intimacy holds out a greater challenge for most men than it does for women. As men we have been socialized to be strong, confident, rational, analytical, assertive, goal-orientated, brave, and able to bear pain and stress, I believe at the expense of showing honest emotion. As men, when we hurt, we tend to expend a lot of energy into being strong and in control. Some men even appear distant or detached as a way of coping. Anger is not uncommon amongst men to block out pain and sadness. It has been said that most men take on that “circle the wagons” mentality during crisis and loss. Some men think that they must remain immune from feelings.

We know that little boys are treated differently from little girls, not only by their parents but also relatives and friends. How many times do you see little girls being hugged or kissed by adoring adults, while little boys seem to be finger poked or nudged?

As little boys grow up, they are encouraged to become more competitive, especially in sports. As adults, if we do a disservice to our male children, it’s that we expect them to grow up and perform as little soldiers and troopers in the face of life’s tragedies and crises. The sad thing is that a lot of adult male soldiers and troopers experience emotional death from engaging in a battle that they never had to wage.

As a nation, we tend to endorse anger and aggressiveness in men…but not tears. On the flip side, it’s okay for a woman to cry, but frowned upon if she expresses anger or rage.

It’s also interesting to note that most women have a greater social base than men do. During the many grief seminars that I have conducted over the years, I have sometimes posed this question to the participants: “How many of you have a person in your life that you would consider to be a best friend or confidante, that you would be willing to bare your soul with?” Most women do and most men don’t.

Men seem to acknowledge shock and numbness at a time of loss and appear to reinvest their energy back into life again rather quickly following a crisis without ever expressing very much anguish. Many experts believe men engage in what is called “solitary mourning” or “secret grief.”

Sometimes this behavior can cause relationship problems for parents when an infant dies. While the mother displays uncontrollable grief, the father is busy being the strong one. Very often the grieving mother interprets this behavior as unfeeling or insensitive on the part of the father.

I believe old customs die slowly. There are still a lot of people in our society who carry the belief that men should be independent, emotionally stoic, strong and silent, while women should be the family social planner, prime nurturer, peace-maker, and prime communicator. A lot of men associate strength with emotional composure and control, which in actuality may be the mask of suppression. I suggest to you that being strong may be about getting in touch with your feelings by putting words to them, and finding a safe vehicle by which to express them.

I find most women are willing to share their feelings, where men tend to guard them, even from other men. Could it be that by sharing their feelings, men feel more vulnerable or fear they may be looked upon as a “wimp”? As a bereavement counselor, I sometimes get the feeling that women want to be listened to, while men want to gather information to use as a road map as they journey through their grief. I find men tend to heal through taking some sort of action during their loss, while women are more accustomed to healing through sharing and verbalizing.

I think crying and talking are the most efficient means of expression when it comes to expressing pain, but at the same time, are not the only means of communicating discomfort. For men, sometimes private and secretive action may be the catalyst that activates their grief. That action can take on many forms. For some it’s attending to funeral arrangements, dealing with insurance companies, or identifying the remains. For others, it may be getting involved in the investigation if a family member’s death was the result of homicide, figuring out who was in the wrong or right if the death occurred as the result of a highway accident, visiting the cemetery alone, or continuing privately with activities that were of interest to their deceased loved one, like gardening, crafts, or cooking.

Following the death of my father and brother, as a man, I did it in solitude. At my wife’s suggestion, I went up to the lake where my brother and I used to camp and sat in a boat out on the lake and talked to my dad and brother. But I had the need to do it alone, in my own sacred place, where I felt safe and not judged for my actions of addressing my unfinished emotional business.

History shows that both men and women can become quite creative through sculpting, painting, or writing in an effort to express their pain. Some of the greatest accomplishments in literature and music were created when the artist was in the depths of personal tragedy and despair.

Over the years, as a bereavement counselor, I have seen men and women employing both masculine and feminine grieving techniques. I’ve had a lot of men come into my office that were built like football linebackers but just wanted to be held and given permission to sob uncontrollably. I have also had women who had the need to tear down the engine on their car and rebuild it, or tinker with a household repair as they processed their thoughts. I recall one lady who, in her grief, would paint each room in her house. As she rolled the paint, she would cry and reminisce. Another woman I knew went on major household cleaning sprees as she endured her pain. I know of a men’s grief group who bake bread. As they knead the dough, they share their feelings with one another. Some men’s grief groups build furniture as a form of activity, while they also share their sorrow with one another.

Overall, we seem to have a better understanding of “feminine grief” than we do “masculine grief,” perhaps only because in the past, grief studies have focused more on ‘feeling-based’ reactions as opposed to ‘action-orientated’ responses, which appear more common to men.

We know there is no one way to grieve. Whether you are a man or woman, use what works for you. Grief is not a stable thing, or predictable, and it is not an illness. It’s a process made up of a wide variety of emotions and conditions. As you travel your own unique journey through grief, I think the key is finding the right emotional vehicle for you.

Tom Easthope, F.D., C.D.E., CT. is a grief counsellor and the author of two powerful books entitled “Teach Me How To Lose” and “Seasons of the Heart.” Tom is an ADEC Death Educator Certified in Thanatology, Grief Counsellor and is currently the Director of the Durham Grief Resource Centre.  Tom conducts one-on-one bereavement counselling at the Resource Centre as well as group counselling for the Namaste Grief Support Group for the Hearth Place Cancer Support Centre in Oshawa.  Over the years Tom has presented many workshops for our Rainbows program in Durham.  He hosted his own radio show and has appeared on many television programs dealing with loss and grief.

All books seen here can be found at www.robertspress.ca

  Please note; due to the sensitive nature of the articles the content has not been edited. This is to enable the Author to portray their true feeling surrounding the subject.

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