THE PROFOUND IMPACT OF MY MILD BRAIN INJURY
by Tom Dow

Isn’t it funny how when people first meet, they want to find a way to place each other in a frame of reference? I remember in university that the first thing you asked a new acquaintance was, “What’s your major?” As a teacher, the first thing I want to know when I meet another teacher is what grade they teach. At a recent conference, I realized that as part of the ABI community, the first thing everyone wants to know is how you got your injury. This has always created a bit of a problem for me. You see, I do have a brain injury that has profoundly affected my life and the lives of people around me, but I didn’t spend even one night in a hospital. I was never in a coma, and I never struggled bravely to come back from the brink of death.

Telling my story often makes me feel like I shouldn’t complain at all. I was on my way to work one beautiful fall morning when I stopped at a traffic light. I waited for the light to turn green and proceeded into the intersection. A van traveling to my right did not see the red light and struck my car. I was pushed about a hundred feet and was knocked unconscious. I remember coming to and hearing the sounds of the rescue workers. I remember looking at the ceiling of the ambulance and answering the paramedics questions. I knew who I was and I knew that I had a wife and four kids to get home to. I also remember feeling like I had to get to work. I was very worried that no one would be there to meet my class when the bell rang.

I was taken to the local hospital where I was x-rayed and given a clean bill of health. They put a few stitches in a cut on my head and then my wife and parents came and took me home. I slept the rest of that day and although I felt shaken up, I was sure I would recover nicely and be back to work by the end of the week. Within 48 hours however, the picture had changed. I was having excruciating headaches and was plagued by a constant feeling of dizziness. My neck and back ached and I couldn’t stay awake.

As time went on I constantly slept and avoided light and sound whenever possible. My sense of smell and taste were altered and I found that I couldn’t focus on a page in a book long enough to read anything. My family doctor began the referrals to various specialists…and so my road to recovery began.

My “mild to moderate” brain injury has changed who I am. I now have a very short temper where I was known for being patient and easy-going before. My relationship with my children has changed drastically as I struggle to avoid situations that increase my symptoms, but I also strive to participate in their lives. My wife did not sign up for a husband who battles depression, or for the significant side effects I experience from prescribed medications. Our dream of her staying home to be with the children while I pursued a stable career as an elementary school principal has been shattered and replaced by a constant sense of unknowing and an inability to plan into the future.

The control of many aspects of our lives has been placed into the hands of care providers, lawyers, and insurance companies. I walk and talk and appear normal in every way, yet the symptoms I experience due to the injury to my brain have made it impossible to return to my job as a classroom teacher, and in fact, they may prevent me from ever returning to any type of full time work at all.

My recovery has been full of good days and bad days. On bad days, I feel ashamed to be called a survivor. My injuries were so minor that I don’t see myself as being part of a community which is so full of people who have suffered so much. I sometimes wish that I had been hurt more severely so that people could see that I am injured. Instead, I feel that everyone is skeptical of the symptoms I report and that there is no one who really understands what I’m going through. It is difficult for me to put into words what effect the brain injury has had on my feeling of self worth. The things I knew for sure about myself were that I was a good husband, a good Dad, and a good teacher. Now I struggle to believe that any of these are true. Obviously, my bad days aren’t much fun.

But thankfully there are good days too. In fact, the more I get used to the new me, the more good days there seem to be. There are times when I believe it when my kids tell me I’m the best Dad ever. There are more and more times when I am left in awe of my wife’s strength and the love that keeps her by my side through all of this. There are times when I know I still have much to contribute to the world and that God still has a plan for me.

I was trying to put some of my thoughts down in a journal one day and it occurred to me that the old saying really is true. We all have a cross to carry. I realized that I felt like my cross was so light in comparison to others that my struggle to carry it was insignificant. I believe strongly that we have been put here on earth to help each other, and that regardless of the weight of my own cross, I am obligated to help you with yours. But knowing that your cross is heavier than mine does not change the tangible weight of my own cross. We each have a journey to complete and my experience is just a valuable as yours. On good days, I feel entitled to my feelings of anger and sadness, and I am willing to grieve what I have lost. On good days I know that I do have a voice in the ABI community and that possibly by sharing my experience I will find deeper healing, and maybe I can even share in carrying my neighbor’s cross just for a little while.

A student once told me that “everything works out in the end…if it hasn’t worked out, then it’s not the end.” It is amazing how much students can teach. Today is a good day, and I look towards the future with hope and anticipation. I know that even if tomorrow is a bad day, if I choose to listen to the joy in my children’s laughter, if I choose to see the love in my wife eyes, and if I choose to accept the opportunities to make better the lives of others, than I am and will continue to be a survivor.

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Please note; due to the sensitive nature of the articles the content has not been edited. This is to enable the Author to portray their true feeling surrounding the subject.
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