BEYOND DESPAIR: THE CHOICE IS ALWAYS YOURS
by Sue Augustine

You may not be able to control what happens to you, but you can control what happens within you.

As I sat there in the audience, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. During the seminar I was attending, the speaker directed her comment to the entire group, yet I felt as though she were speaking directly to me.

“Right now,” she announced, “you are a sum total of all your past choices. You are where you are today because of them.”

Her statement made me feel like standing up and shouting, “That’s unfair. Many people are victims of accidents, disabilities, natural disasters, personal losses, or someone else’s inappropriate, immoral, or illegal actions. The pain and suffering they are now experiencing does not have to do with their choices.”

At that moment, I could think of many hurtful things that happen to us that are beyond our control, causing us much anguish, heartache, and misery. Because of the adverse circumstances some of us have endured, we are often left in a state of despair or despondency, devoid of hope that we will ever recover or be fully healed.

Beyond that, I wanted to add, “You obviously don’t know what I have to cope with when I go home each night or you wouldn’t make such an unreasonable statement.” After all, who would choose the life I was living at that time? As a victim of horrific unceasing domestic violence, I believed someone else was responsible for what was happening. I felt trapped in my situation because I knew, realistically, I could not change another person or alter what had gone on in the past.

But the speaker’s words would not leave me. They eventually got me to see that although I was powerless when it came to those things, what I could do to regain control was to choose how I would respond and react from that point on. As a mature adult, I could decide the actions I would take – whether I would stay or leave, and how I would think and feel about the person and the situation.

You might be reading this and having the same thoughts. Perhaps no one knows the trauma you’ve experienced, whether it’s the abuse you suffered growing up, the onslaught of destructive criticism you received, the betrayal or rejection you endured in your marriage, the humiliation of declaring bankruptcy, or some dreadful circumstances that are still going on in your life. Of course you did not choose the losses you’ve experienced, the cruelty you’ve had to bear, or the violence you may have witnessed or suffered that continues to cause unbearable heartache. If you were victimized, these were choices you did not make.

In that case, how could it be true that you are where you are today because of your past choices? That day in the seminar, I knew in my heart I had not intentionally chosen to be married to an abusive partner or live in poverty. I also knew I wouldn’t have chosen the rare blood disease I had recently been diagnosed with. So how could the presenter have the audacity to insinuate I was in this situation because of my own doing?

I left the program blinking back the tears and feeling hurt, infuriated, disappointed, and confused. I vowed to never again attend any seminar similar to this one. Ironically, today I present that same principle to my audiences and readers. Even though I walked out on that speaker, the concept she presented played a major role in my being set free from the past.

For days, I couldn’t stop thinking about the words, “You are a sum total of your past choices.” They played over in my mind, like a tape on auto-rewind. Then one day, it became clear and made sense to me. For the first time I understood that I could alter the outcomes in my life by taking charge of my choices! I had always believed that in order for my life to improve, all the problems would have to go away, the past would have to be rectified, and other people would need to change. I now realized that I had other options in the midst of my turmoil. Accepting full responsibility for my future choices paved the way for a new beginning. Altering how I felt about past situations was revolutionary and gave me new hope as I realized I had more control over my life than I had ever imagined.

Sometimes because we cannot totally resolve our problems, we are left with a feeling of being out of control. There is only one thing over which we have been given absolute control in this lifetime, and that is our power to choose.

Control is a crucial element in human nature. For example, in an interesting experiment, two groups of people were separated and given exceptionally complex puzzles to solve within a very short time. To make the test more challenging, participants were subjected to background noises on tape, including doors slamming, telephones ringing, people speaking foreign languages, dogs barking, and children hollering. With a crisis to be solved, time constraints and deadlines to be met, and lots of noisy disturbances, their dilemma sounded much like everyday life.

There was only one difference between the two groups. The first was told they could turn off the cassette with the annoying noises, but only if it became absolutely imperative – if they felt pushed to the brink They vowed to go as far into the experiment as they could before doing so. The results were quite interesting. The second group failed miserably. Not only did they not solve the puzzle within the allotted time, they became convinced that it was not humanly possible with all the racket. However, the first group completed the puzzle perfectly and within the time frame. You’ve probably guessed the most intriguing part - they did not have to shut off the noise. Simply knowing it was within their control was all that was necessary for them to accomplish the assignment.

The same thing happens to us when challenges come into our life. It’s not always necessary to get rid of our problems or have everything going our way in order to have a good life. Instead, we merely have to have a sense of control within the situation. Though we can’t control other people or many of the situations we encounter, our control comes from knowing and understanding that we can be in command of our attitude and our perception of a situation. It is this control that determines the emotions we feel. It’s when we mistakenly believe we are stuck with negative emotions - with no alternatives - that the circumstances overwhelm us.

When it comes right down to it, there is one and only one thing over which we have each been given complete control in this life, and that is our power to choose. It’s always our choices - not fate or chance, or our past experiences, that determine our future. Our past can only control our present and our future if we allow it. The past should not be a place where we dwell, but a place from which we learn all that we can before moving on. What freedom we will have when we have come to the place where we are “forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead.” (Bible, Philippians 3:13 LB).

It’s true that there are many aspects of your life you do not get to control - your parents and siblings, your physical limitations, other people’s attitudes and behaviours, and the many challenges life throws in your path, to name a few. But you always have the power to control your thoughts, attitudes, perceptions, and behaviours today. Certainly, every day there are many circumstances beyond your control that can get you down, like bad weather conditions, traffic jams, the high price of gas and food, one-sided company policies, tax increases, or politics that go on behind the scenes at work – but you can choose how you will act in response to these things.

Other people’s thoughts, belief patterns, behaviours, or actions toward you are not yours to control - but you can decide how you will react and deal with them. Even though you did not get to control a lot of what went on in your past, and you may not always be able to choose your present or future circumstances, you can always decide on your personal views, values, standards, ideals, and future goals. These choices will influence your actions and eventually determine your final outcome. Even though you have a reason to be the way you are, there’s no reason to stay that way.

Everything in life asks for a choice from you. The moment you wake up, you can say, “Good morning Lord,” or “Good Lord, it’s morning.” How you get up is an act of your will and a choice you make; the day gets better or worse depending on that choice. You can sit on the edge of the bed and think you’re going to get a headache, and you probably will! You can go out into the world and notice the heavy traffic and the thunderstorm, or you can observe how green the grass is after the rain and have a laugh at the funny message on someone’s license plate as you inch your way through traffic. It’s up to you whether you see nothing as a miracle or everything as a miracle.

Whether you triumph in your troubles or crumble under the pressure of affliction, you get to choose. You decide whether you will endure the difficulties and develop maturity of character, or be crushed by your hardships and troubles. Although your past has been painful, devastating, or cruel, God has promised to restore and redeem us and “give us gladness in proportion to our former misery.” (Bible, Psalm 90:15 LB).

Make a decision to stop mourning the past and begin to overcome your former misery with a series of good choices. What freedom you will experience when at last you accept full accountability for the choices that affect the rest of your life!

There are only two ways to live your life – as though nothing is a miracle or everything is a miracle. – Albert Einstein

SUE AUGUSTINE is an internationally-known conference speaker, corporate trainer, and frequent guest on national TV and radio programs. She is the author of several books including the recent best-seller, When Your Past is Hurting Your Present, and a contributing author to the Chicken Soup for the Soul series. Her newest book, Turn Your Dreams into Realities will be released January 2007. To engage Sue, order signed books, or for more information, visit www.sueaugustine.com or email wings@vaxxine.com.

Books can be found at www.robertspress.ca

Please note; due to the sensitive nature of the articles the content has not been edited. This is to enable the Author to portray their true feeling surrounding the subject.

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