TEENS COPING WITH LOSS DUE TO SUICIDE
by Melanie Rosa

Dealing with grief is never easy. When it comes to a loss due to suicide it often complicates things even further. In fact, Suicide grief is often referred to as complicated grief. This means that not only do those who have lost a loved one due to suicide have to deal with all the pain and grief that is associated with loss, they may also have very intense feelings of guilt, responsibility, and anger. On top of these feelings they have to cope with the negative stigma that is often attached to suicide. Many people don’t understand suicide, and what it means to have lost someone who completed suicide. A loss due to suicide can be one of the most difficult and traumatic things that a person may experience in their lifetime. That is why someone who is struggling with type of loss is called a suicide survivor.

Did you notice that the word suicide was used many times in the previous paragraph? That was done intentionally. Why? Suicide is not a bad word. It is not something that should be whispered. It’s not shameful, or sinful, or bad. Suicide is difficult, traumatic, and definitely not easy to talk about. There is much pain tied into suicide: the pain of the person who died, and the pain of the loved ones who lost them. You can almost understand why people don’t want to talk about it. But if we don’t talk about it, we can’t heal from it, and we can’t prevent it from happening to someone else. The word suicide often makes people uncomfortable, and if you are reading this and lost someone in this way, part of you may feel that you wished people could have talked about it more openly. If more people were comfortable talking about suicide, perhaps more people would be willing to get help before it’s too late.

“He that conceals his grief finds no remedy for it”
-Turkish Proverb

When you lose someone you care about in this way, part of the healing is to accept the way that person died, and that is not something that happens over night. Many people will say that their loved one died by accident, or not mention the details of the death when someone asks. Some people are afraid to admit how their loved one died, some are ashamed, and others may be unsure of how other people will see their loved ones, possibly that the circumstances of their death will overshadow the lives they lead. This is part of the “Stigma” of suicide. This makes the grief surrounding suicide even more challenging.

Many people struggle - adults and teens alike - with the details of how their loved one died. The majority of suicides are violent deaths, and sometimes the images people are left with of their loved ones can be pretty gruesome and traumatic. Human beings are visual creatures, so we often find ourselves visualizing things we may not have seen with our own eyes. This is a natural thing for a person to do, but it can be very damaging. It may cause you to fixate more on the way the person died, as opposed to grieving the loss of your loved one. Getting those images out of your head is not an easy task. This can be even more difficult for a person who found the body of their loved one. If this is the case, professional counselling may be what you need.

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”
- C.S. Lewis

When you’re dealing with this type of loss, it can be very difficult to talk to people about what you are experiencing. Particularly, if no one else you know has gone through a similar trauma. It can be very hard to talk to someone in your family if you have lost a close family member, like a parent or sibling. Teens often want to be strong for their family and parents, and often feel that they would be burdening them by “dumping” their grief on someone whom they themselves are grieving. It’s ok to open up those lines of communication and talk with each other about how you are coping, or not coping for that matter. Adults can feel just as uneasy or unsure how to start the conversation as you do, because grief at any age is complicated.

In some cases adults are afraid to speak to teens about grief and loss because they are unsure of what to say exactly. The point is you don’t always have to be an expert to have a conversation about grief. The whole purpose of talking about your grief is to share your feelings, and your experiences. It’s about getting all those emotions off your chest, and not keeping them bottled up inside.

Many people don’t understand why their loved one completed suicide, and the truth is you may never really know why. The true devastation of suicide is the aftermath. Not for the ones who have passed on, but for the ones who are left to live with the loss of a friend, mother, father, sister, brother, cousin, aunt, uncle, grandmother, grandfather, or other cherished individuals. Suicide can be like a tornado, destroying everything it has come into contact with.

One of the hardest things about grief due to suicide is the feeling of guilt. As if it somehow may have been your fault. There are so many “if only’s”… If only I was a better friend… if only I was a better child… if only I saw this coming. This guilt is very natural, but their choice and their actions were not your fault. It is not easy to walk around with this type of feeling of responsibility at any age, let alone as a teenager. The important thing is that you talk about what you are feeling, find someone you trust and just talk.

“There is no grief like the grief that does not speak”
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Friends are a wonderful resource. They care about you, and most likely want to help. They can be great supports, and may even offer distractions from what you are feeling. However, they may not always know what to say, or how to handle what you are going through. So let people know what you need, or what you want from them, from a shoulder to cry on, to just having them sit with you. Sometimes the uneasiness people have can make survivors feel very alone in their experience. Please take the time and talk with an adult that you trust, like your parents, or a family member, a teacher, a coach, a guidance counsellor, a clergy member, a therapist or counsellor. Basically the more resources you have, the better support system you create for yourself.

When it comes to suicide nothing is simple, nothing is ever the same as it was before the loss of a loved one. There is sadness where there was once joy, and there is heartache, depression, anger, and resentment. There are more emotions swimming inside people than there were ever before, but at the same time many may feel numb. The tricky thing about grief is that people will often send you mixed messages, when the grief is fresh they may tell you to take the time you need, then after a few weeks they will tell you that you should “get over it” or tell you to “move on”. That is one of the least helpful things anyone can say, no matter how well-meaning the person who says it is. Grief is not something that you just get over. It’s a process, and even saying that, doesn’t mean that one day the hurt will go away completely. You need to give yourself time, and not pressure yourself with obscure timelines.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief is a very personal experience, though many people can often relate, no two people have the same grief experience. Everyone is different, so the way they cope will be different. That being said, there are some unhealthy things that many people may do to try and cope with their pain. Some examples of unhealthy coping techniques are isolating your self, self injury or cutting, turning to drugs or alcohol, pretending that nothing happened, and participating in reckless behaviours. These things do not help you in the long run, and can lead you down a dangerous road.

Some healthy things you can do to cope with your feelings are:

• writing (journaling or poetry),
• listening to or playing music,
• spending time with your friends,
• playing sports,
• hobbies.

Another great positive coping technique is exercise. Exercise helps you de-stress, and to get out some pent up feelings of aggression. It’s important when you are grieving to take good care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Make sure you are eating well, and getting enough sleep. There is nothing wrong with the occasional indulgence, such as the standard comfort foods like ice cream and chocolate, but you do want to try to eat as healthily as possible. Many people who are grieving often don’t feel like eating anything at all, but it is important to keep up your strength. Grief takes a huge toll on your body, not just your emotions, so you need to take care of yourself so you don’t get sick.

Signs Professional Support is Needed:

It’s important to recognize when you should look outside from your natural supports to professional supports. Grief is a difficult and challenging time. However, you do not need to feel alone in your experience. There are great support groups that you can join, help lines you can call (check your local phone book), and you can always speak with a counsellor or therapist.

Here are some signs that it might be beneficial to seek professional help:

1. If you find yourself feeling “stuck” in your grief
2. Lack of interest in things you used to enjoy or have fun doing
3. If you find yourself depressed all of the time
4. If you are thinking about hurting yourself, or are feeling suicidal
5. Difficulties with everyday activities
6. Lack or disinterest in personal hygiene

If you are reading this article and know someone who is grieving here are some things that you can do.

1. Talk to them about the person that died
2. Encourage them to express their feelings
3. Be non-judgmental, remember grief can bring about some dark feelings and that is very natural
4. Remind them they are not alone
5. Don’t be afraid to ask them what they need from you
6. Make sure they are taking care of themselves

When it comes to suicide, many people are quick to offer their opinions. Keep in mind that this person is grieving, and try to be sensitive to what they may be feeling. The best thing you can do for someone is to be there for them, talk with them, and offer your support.

© Melanie Rosa
Bereavement Educator

Some Resources that may help:

Canada:
Kids Help Phone 1-800-668-6868
Web: www.kidshelpphone.ca

United States:
Yellow Ribbon Campaign
www.yellowribbon.org

Suicide Prevention Resource Centre
www.sprc.org

International:
Teen Advice Online
www.teenadviceonline.org

Great titles available at www.robertspress.ca

The Power to Prevent Suicide

Hurting Your Self

When Death Walks In

Much more, DVD, books and gifts.

Please note; due to the sensitive nature of the articles the content has not been edited. This is to enable the Author to portray their true feeling surrounding the subject.

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