I had been working on the Palliative Care Unit for two weeks when I passed by a patient’s room. She was standing in the doorway with her two-year-old son on her hip. She was very thin - I wondered how she could hold him. I stopped to admire her child. We talked for a few minutes and I found out that my daughter Bailey and her son where exactly the same age, born only two days apart.

I thought to myself, “that could be me standing in the doorway. I am no different from this young woman. Who would help my two children if something happened to me?” My husband is wonderful, but he would be overwhelmed looking after two young children. I would want someone to help - someone to reach out to them in their time of grief.

This young woman died of cancer of the liver just two weeks after I met her, leaving four young boys behind. I knew at that moment I would never get “used to” or “hardened to” my new job. So I decided I would reach out to the children I met on the Palliative Care Unit.

I found that the energy I put toward this goal has helped me deal with the hundreds of deaths I see each year working on the Palliative Care Unit. I decided that no matter how big or how small, I would do something to help these children. I would offer them a cookie or a little ice cream when they came to visit (ice cream always seemed to taste better in those little containers form the hospital).

I wanted the children to remember me as the nice nurse that looked after their mommy or daddy. I always remembered that I had this little person’s life in my hands. I know it may sound silly, but that visit to the hospital is something they will remember for the rest of their life. I wanted them to have a good memory of their visit.

I also wanted to make the children feel comfortable on our unit. I had a great nurse manager. She always gave me the “OK” to go where my ideas and dreams led me. She agreed to let me make a playroom on our unit. Thanks to donations from a teacher whose husband died on our unit, and some of our staffs’ children, a play area was made.

Now the children are able to visit with their parent and then run to the toy room and play. This is a much nicer memory than coming to the hospital, sitting in their parent’s room, and having to sit still and be quiet. Kids could now be kids and still get to see their parent.

I remember one young grandmother sitting in the toy room watching her beautiful, blonde, curly-haired, two-year-old grandson playing. She was so sick. She looked at me and said, “It can’t get any better than this.” She just sat and watched him play. In 1995 my daughter was six years old when her best friend’s mommy died of cancer. It was so hard to watch a four and a six-year-old lose their mommy. Their dad asked me for help explaining it to his children. Without hesitation, I said ‘yes.’ The older girl was angry. No one had told her that her mommy was going to die. I have met many children just like this little girl over the years. They have taught me so much.

As I worked with these children, I came up with a series of books - books that I thought could really help them. One of the books I put together was a memory book. I made it while thinking of my daughter’s friend’s mom and myself as a mother. The children can fill in the pages, with help if they need it, with things like, “What perfume did mommy wear? Did daddy wear glasses? What was mommy’s favourite song? Did dad have a favourite T.V. show? Did mom wear a necklace?

Things could be put in this book so months or even years later the child can take the book out and remember special memories of mom or dad. Every memory question in the book is because of a child. One little girl said that her mom had a favorite necklace that had nine charms on it. She could describe every one of the charms in great detail.

After I had been meeting with my daughter’s friend for a few weeks, I told her I wanted to write a book. She said, “Good, because I want to talk about my feelings so I can help other little children. I want to help other little children to have a chance to be a part of what is happening in their family. I did not get a chance to prepare for my mommy’s death and there was some things I wanted to do and say.” These are her words. Remember, she was only six years old.

I wrote a book called I Know Someone Who Died. Over the years I have met many children who have experienced the death of someone they loved. They are the reason for every page. I remember one page came about because a little boy stood in front of me with his hands on his hips and said, “ I don’t know why my dad died and know one will tell me.”

One Sunday afternoon, as I watched my children skate at the arena, I remember writing some of the pages on little pieces of paper that I found in my coat pocket. I spent many Sundays doing this. I then took all the little pieces of paper and my ideas to my sister-in-law. She put it all together. She also created the little ‘butterfly’ character found throughout the book.

I put another book together for boys age 8 to 11. It is hard for boys to grieve and share their feelings - you know the saying, “big boys don’t cry.” My son Scott, who was 10 years old at the time, drew all the pictures for that book. He did an awesome job.

Getting I Know Someone Who Died published led me down a road I still cannot believe - even today. I sent my book to many publishing companies and I had a really nice pile of rejection letters at home. When I got the last rejection letter I said, “That’s it, I give up.” I went to work on evening shift that day. We had just admitted a man who was dying of cancer of the stomach. I just loved him - he was such a nice man. He had had two books published. One was a book of poems and one was on The History and Twinning of the Bluewater Bridge. He said to me “Don’t give up. Some of the greatest authors had many rejection letters before they where published.” He wanted to see my book. He really liked it, and he said, “Get going girl… don’t give up.”

So I had 200 books printed at the copy store and by word of mouth they all sold - and they sold fast. At the time I had my phone number in the back of the book, and I received calls from all over the place – calls from people telling me how much the book had helped the child they had given it to. I loved getting those phone calls.

One day I signed up for a conference on grief organized by McKenzie and Blundy Funeral home in Sarnia, Ontario. The speaker’s name was Doug Manning. Doug Manning is a well-known author, bereavement counselor, and speaker in the United States. He is also known for his help with families after the Oklahoma City bombing. I signed up for the afternoon and evening classes. He was a very nice man - he came out to meet people before he spoke. He shook my hand and said, “Hi I’m Doug Manning.” I replied with, “Hi, I’m Connie Manning.” We joked about being related - and we are not at all. He was an excellent speaker. I really enjoyed his seminar. When he finished, I went up to look at his display of books. He had authored many books and they were great. I wondered if he could give me some tips on how to get my books published, so I rushed home and put all of them together and put a little note in asking for some advice. That was in October, 1997.

Well, I will never forget December 5, 1997. I was getting ready for a staff Christmas party when I got a call from Insight Books in Oklahoma City asking me if they could publish one of my books, I Know Someone Who Died. Doug Manning had taken my book to a Children’s Bereavement Center that they had made for children and their families after the bombing. They loved my book. I was so happy that my book was going to help children - that is why I started this to begin with.

I still continued to work on the Palliative Care Unit meeting children. I still continued to educate myself on the topic of grief and bereavement, but I could see the need to educate “people.” I wanted to tell them what children needed when a parent died. I wanted to tell them what the children had taught me, so I put together a seminar called “Children: the forgotten Mourners.”

Groups started calling and asking me to come and present this seminar. I have traveled to many little and BIG towns - I have presented from Corner Brock, Newfoundland to Victoria, British Columbia. I also presented at the 4th International Conference on Children and Death at the University of Bristol in Bristol, England. I have won awards for my presentation, and I have reached for the stars and gone beyond my wildest dreams.

I continue to find education on the topic. I have a certificate in Grief and Bereavement Studies, I am a Certified Celebrant, and I have studied under Dr. Jack Morgan, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, and Doug Manning. Although I am a huge supporter of continuing education, I have found that my greatest teachers continue to be the children I have met along my journey.

These children number in the hundreds now. I no longer work at the hospital. I presently work for VON (the Victoria Order of Nurses) as the Co-ordinator of the Kids’ Circle Program. This program offers support to children who have a life-threatening illness, for children who have a loved one with a life-threatening illness, and for children who have faced the death of a loved one. There is no fee for this service. It is the best job in the world. I love it.

Dreams Really Do Come True!

In closing, I want to tell each and every one of you that if you have a dream in your heart…GO FOR IT. When I set these goals for myself to help the children I met on the Palliative Care Unit, I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be able to make such a difference to so many children. The joy I have in this is sometimes so overwhelming it takes my breath away. Sometimes I just sit and cry.

Connie lives in beautiful Sarnia, Ontario. She has been married to John for 24 years. She and John have a son Scott who is 19 and a 17 year old daughter Bailey. Connie has worked in health care since she was 18 years old. She has worked on a Palliative / Hospice Care Unit for many years. Presently Connie works for VON Sarnia-Lambton as Coordinator of the Kids' Circle Program offering illness and bereavement support to children 4 to 18 years old. Connie also continues to travel presenting her seminar Children:the Forgotten Mourners. You may contact Connie anytime at 519-542-5186.